dos lados

although today is a new day, i still wake up with the same feeling. i wonder if there ever was a time where i didnt. like, as a child, did i get some reprieve? i cant really remember...

its rooted in my guts, this semi-feeling of despair mixed with numb. every morning i feel like i have to reinvent. find a brand new source of inpiration. as if a phantom enters me in the night and strips me of all my emotions. all of my seratonin.

when i go out into the world everyday, i see the faces of strangers and i feel like an open book, channeling all of their woes. its as if life has given me the capacity to feel, but forgot to supply me with a shield. the line between me and them becomes foggy, and by the time i feel the weight, my shoulders are already shaking.

my head reaches its pillow and its mind races with the potential daily lessons. values gained. morals to be changed. the vessle plays an almost stop-motion style slide show of the days news. with all of this activity, my filter seems to clog...as if my brain is processing too much data, and causes a backfire in synapsis. overall, there are tokens of progress; but its always as if, no matter what, theres a thin sedement afloat on the surface of my gene pool.

the process repeats itself, and i rise with my net to skim the precious remnants of unwanted process. the pullpy mess is gathered, tossed into my inner compost, and i feel almost ready to deal with the world again. i install a new filter, and without a doubt, enter the battlefield sans shield once again.

of the things we learn, what of it all is chosen, and what is the driving factor of choice? do we really pick and choose, or are we all born shieldless? do we pick our individual battles, or are we all just fighting the same war against lifes choice of a face? are there really enemies, or are we all just in love with eachother, but too afraid to admit it?